Why do sex conflicts arise and how to cope with them

To clarify the relationship on the basis of sex most often begin those who are already in a relationship is not the first month. At first, there is usually no time to notice shortcomings, because hormones and emotions completely turn off critical thinking, and the desire to please makes us willing to sacrifice our desires and habits for the sake of a new partner. But then the problems begin to accumulate, and ignored, sooner or later they threaten to escalate into a conflict. However, the reason for a quarrel may appear at the very beginning of the relationship.

Starting a relationship, we want a partner to understand us in everything, anticipating our erotic desires, having sex then and the way we want. But relationships in real life are often a mismatch of desires and opportunities, leading to awkward situations, misunderstandings, offenses and complaints. The conflict itself is not always bad. It can be used to discuss the position of each side, look at the situation from a different angle, translating it into a constructive direction as a reason for a new stage of development of sexual relations. It’s bad if the growing discontent will be masked by any reasons, but not true: instead of talking directly about sex, you will begin to blame your partner for frequent meetings with friends.

What are conflicts about sex?

There may be plenty of reasons for quarreling in sex, but still the main reasons, even at the very beginning of a relationship, most often look like this:

–   The mismatch of temperaments and the type of sexual constitution.   One partner needs sex twice a day. Another is enough twice a month. Conflict is inevitable and practically insoluble, especially if a more temperamental partner remains faithful to another. The remaining “discrepancies”, for example, when a woman has sex only in the evening, and a man – only in the morning, someone has enough missionary posture before bedtime, and the other prefers to use all surfaces and postures not only in the apartment – is completely negotiable and compromised.

–   The mismatch of boundaries is acceptable . If at the beginning of a relationship you do not find out what is acceptable and what is unacceptable not only in a couple, but for each of you, then a conflict will inevitably happen: oral or anal sex is unacceptable for you, and the partner loves to attend private sex parties. The same applies to the use of sex toys, various sex practices and even contraceptives. If from the very beginning all aspects are not spoken, including the understanding that for each of you is the norm, then in the process of relationships there are situations in which, for example, it may become clear that it’s acceptable for your partner to have sex at the same time with you. For you, this is treason, and for him – an open relationship. But when you are ready to try something new without breaking your own boundaries, and the partner is also ready to meet you halfway – the conflict will be settled. If a compromise is impossible for value reasons, the situation is practically insoluble.

–   Partner ignoring your needs.   If the partner is not worried about your orgasm, and only their own, if he feels that the prelude – a waste of time, if instead of attention to the issues of safe sex and the use of contraceptives at the forefront only put his feelings, if only acceptable rough sex for him and only those postures that he considers correct, and he responds to all your requests with the ignore word or the phrase “yes lan, what is this”, then …. Excuse me, what did you find in it?

–   Misunderstanding of roles in the pair . If in a pair you are not lovers, a husband and wife, but a carer for a mother with an eternal son, a naive girl with strict daddy, an older sister or an understanding friend, your relationship will lose sharpness, passion, and flirt. It will be anything: moral support, care, custody, indulgence in weakness, but not sex. Someone in a pair will eventually want to find him elsewhere and with another partner.

–   Lack of desire . This situation, capable of escalating into a conflict, is especially relevant for couples who have been living together for a long time. Sex becomes monotonous, boring or fading away altogether. If this condition suits both partners … well, I sympathize. But sex is one of the main aspects of relationships, this is what makes us as close as possible to each other. And to ignore it is only due to medical indications. Lack of desire may also occur with partners in the postpartum phase. And not always here the initiator is a woman, fundamentally ignoring intimacy with a man after childbirth. It also happens that a man perceives a woman only as the mother of his child, but not as a sexual partner. Both situations are unacceptable: the family is not only parents and children, but also a man and a woman who have sex.

How to solve conflicts and what mistakes to avoid

All conflicts on the basis of sex are solved only in one way – by a gentle dialogue. The wishes of each other are taken into account, the optimal schedule for sex is found, the partners help each other to reduce stress factors.

If we are talking about different requests for sex, you can discuss alternative ways of sexual satisfaction, for example, the use of a masturbator or other sex toys, erotic massage. Turn on the fantasy, visit the store for adults. Only a discussion of the problems, not their silence, can save the relationship. But the main thing in the discussion process is to follow the rules for resolving such conflicts.

The right place and time . It is inappropriate to talk about problems with sex during or immediately after sex, with strangers, on the phone, immediately after work, during meals, if you are busy. Ideally, when both of you are free from all affairs, in a good mood, well fed and ready for conversation.

Plus or minus plus . Conversation should not be based on claims, accusations, manipulations, references to someone’s opinion and ultimatums. It is unacceptable when the phrase “you do everything wrong”, “I constantly pretend orgasm with you”, “you do not excite me”, “you do not know how to make blowjob”, “you are frigid” and so on are used in the dialogue. Start with a good, praise for what you like, indicate what you would like to change, and then add something nice.

Listen to the answer . Very often a conflict can be exhausted if the cause of its occurrence is a misunderstanding. You may think that your partner is cold, and he has health problems or at work. He is sure that you like quickly, and you want your partner to devote time to foreplay. Find a compromise, meet each other. Not only one of you must agree to concessions, but both, and within reason. If it seems to you that both of you cannot reach a compromise, then why not turn to a third party – a sexologist who will help resolve your differences?

Remember that conflicts are a stage that concerns many pairs, but it can be overcome. Do not be afraid of conflicts, but learn to solve them: even the most difficult and uncomfortable situation, if discussed, can be the impetus for the development of your relationship and the search for new perspectives.

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